Reccordion

Today was pretty good. I decided to make Saturday a work-day and just devote the entire day to writing a paper.

The start of a paper is the hardest part. It's like flying, if you're a bird - you have to flap really hard but once you're up in the air, you can just "ride the thermals." (not that I know from experience.. I used to read Animorphs.)

I did get a bright, sunny drop of recreation though - Loverlies recording!!! I got to play the accordion into a funky shaped mike and do a million bajillion takes. Haha! Actually, it wasn't that much... but I felt embarrassed because a friend I hold in high esteem was in charge of recording and he was listening...

If you're ever friends with anyone who is too cool to be friends with you for any reason besides charity, then you know the feeling of trying to hide the fact that you are uncool, and there's that inevitable moment when you blow it and you know they're thinking you're an imbecile...

Still - I've discovered a certain stress-relieving principle when it comes to social interactions. It's to have everything out in the open. I tend to be passive and keep things inside and pretend things are alright when they aren't. It's silly, but I have a tendency to test people, to see if they really care about me.

The other day I was about to pull a "passive-agressive" stunt when I remembered how wonderful the relationship was between me and G-d was when I had everything out in the open and confessed all my sin. And I thought, why shouldn't it be the same for other people? I confronted the person and even though it was embarrassing, I told them about my tendency to be passive and that I really just wanted to know that they loved me. And they did and now it's fine. It was great.

So I was feeling super, super stressed out in front of this person I really held in great esteem and I realized, the way to kill the stress is to just let him know. So I told him up front that I had nerves and he was like "don't be nervous. The only person listening is me." and I said, frustrated, "EXACTLY!"

But it went great. The songs are sounding great - even the scratch, first-take vocals sound nice. Everything sounds nice (I'm biased)

If you take something from this post besides that I'm doing super-splendid, then remember, be up front with people, be honest, but kind and loving about it. It's okay to tell people how you feel and if you're hurt. The only thing you have to lose is your pride, and we should be trying to kill that off anyway =-)

Worst Cowlick Ever

One major drawback of having bangs.

Faith and Works

We are all given a certain amount of light to walk in. We all have areas of understanding, and it’s our responsibility, out of love for Our Father, to walk in that light and be obedient as we know we should be. And as we do, people who are learning from us will be shown how to walk, and that leads to the building up of the church.

If we understand that something is wrong, if we are aware of something that the Father would want us to be doing, the most obedient thing to do is to go out and do THAT THING, and that thing precisely. Not that there are “levels” of obedience… But there is a difference between the sin of doing wrong, and the sin of not doing right.

It’s easy to feel self-righteous when you look at your walk and count up all the things you’re doing right. All your good works, and measure them up against other people.

“14 I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean. 15 If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died. 16 Therefore do not let what you know is good be spoken of as evil. 17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, 18 because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and receives human approval."
“22 So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. 23 But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.”

“Everything that does not come from faith is sin.” If you think about it, that accounts for a lot of our sin. If we do good works purely out of a need to feel self-righteous, isn’t that pride – a sin? Whenever we sin, isn’t that going against our faith?

Faith, then, becomes extremely important regarding works. The Bible talks a lot about the relationship between faith and works – indeed, James talks about how faith produces works, or else it is dead faith. But just as there is dead faith, so the works can be dead.

Sin used to be so foggy and so unclear in my mind. What exactly was it? How did I know if I was doing something wrong? There were times when I was trying so hard to do all the things that I was told to do, and still feeling like I was steeped in sin.

It’s a matter of the heart. When we walk in faith, doing what we know is right, listening to the Spirit’s instruction and keeping the Word in our hearts, (because we will grow in light and understanding by the Word and Spirit) then we will grow in grace and understanding.

Let’s take headscarves as an example. Not Muslim headscarves – Christian women head coverings. If a Christian woman feels convicted to cover her head as an act of obedience, then decides that it would look silly and embarrassing, that would be a sin in her heart, fear of man. Not because not wearing the headscarf is a sin in itself, but because of her conviction in her heart.

Obviously the heart is deceptive above all things so without THE WORD, our hearts will lead us astray, so it is important to constantly be searching the Scriptures and try to always be obedient to the words of Jesus, Our Teacher and Friend.

***

With this in mind, I have a lot to be sorry for. I’ve gone against the whisperings of the Spirit in my heart not to dwell on certain thoughts, and to say certain things to certain people… stuff like that.

Recently, as evidenced by my last post, I got caught in a very romantic and imaginative and poetic trance, and while it may have seemed innocent enough, I knew that I wasn’t in a worship state of mind, my heart was not directed toward God, so I was in sin. I was not walking in what I knew was right.

So I’ve failed again. But the words of that Hillsong tune come to mind: “A thousand times I’ve failed, still Your mercy remains…”

Twirly Thoughts

Let me just forewarn you that my posts aren't going to make a lot of sense. I've been having a great time.

I've actually been having a really, really great time...

So great, in fact, that I might not be in a right state to be posting? My head is so full of poetry and cotton candy clouds I might just burst into flowers.

The level of sheer romanticism (not like, love, but in the old sense, like idealism and nature and life) has gotten so bad that I am THINKING in prose.

I'm trying to adjust and not necessarily switch gears - still trying to take my thoughts captive, but they're not the same kind of thoughts. My heart is decieving above all things.

But I've been writing poetry again. Which means I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve again --> I'm not afraid of people.

Anyway: the url is
http://rchrskyspirit.blogspot.com

I call it my secret poetry collection, but I'm not concerned with people READING it or NOT reading it, I just want to spill out these dumb, silly words somewhere so I don't have them spinning around in my head, so I can get to sleep.

I gotta study... gotta do work.... can't fall behind!

My G-d Remains Faithful

The fussing, meddling, hand-wringing old woman in me hates to see things shift and change. It's too much for her to handle.

But as evidenced in the treetops (somewhere I often look to in my wonderings) life doesn't settle in a ripe green... it doesn't roll into a place of supreme happiness, even if all things do work together for our good. Seasons come and go.
We can learn much from our friends long ago who worked and toiled in prairie fields, living in log cabins and preparing for cold winters.

And so the people around me grow and change. Sometimes they're so precious I just want to hold them close and never let them go, because as soon as I do, they've grown a minute older. They're a minute different from the jewel I know well and adore.

Maybe that's why I hug so tight.

I'm still trying to understand things like change and death and life. Those are very hard concepts for ... well, me. I just like thinking about flowers and sunshine, lolipops and hymns.

People used to tell me that I'd understand when I was older. Now I'm telling myself the same thing.. "don't worry, Rach, you'll understand it all someday." Then life hits me like a freight train and I am yelling to Rach, "If only you understood more things!"

I'm eighteen. I'm a grown-up. I know what I should know. I know that I don't.


I am a child. Running, tumbling, scraping my knee, trying to figure out the world, chasing the wind, and at the end of the day, when I'm too tired to go on, curled up in a ball, the Lord comes like my Big Strong Dad and picks me up, and He carries me home and lays me down on the couch, safe and sound.

He doesn't grumble or complain.. sometimes rumples my hair while I doze off.

And those days I try to bite off more than I can chew, those days that problems seem too hard, or I have questions I can't find an answer to... my Father looks at me kindly, inviting me to run into His chest and weep into His shirt, and pats my back as I hiccup and tell Him what happened.

So the world might turn completely upside down. I might lose everything. Everyone in the world could hate me. But no power of hell, no scheme of man, will ever pluck me from His hand.

My G-d is the same yesterday today and forever.

East-aah

Saturday we had Gospel jam choir practice (isn't it great???) and I do love singing alto, reminded me of my choir days :-)

Then Maggie put on this great tea party and it was so much fun! We had classy food (little sandwiches with toothpicks in them) and cheese and crackers and SCONES! We played classical music and sipped our tea with our pinkies in the air! So great.

We took a bath in the jacuzzi (we all had our clothes on!) and it was a bubble explosion. We got out because there was a bubble FLOOD and started having a bubble-snowball fight, throwing it in each other's faces and having a jolly time :-)

I've been really lazy about putting pictures on here. It's just too much effort... bleah

And then I slept over at Crow. I wore my floral little Easter dress to church and we played music and it was so good... the service was so great. Mark shared his testimony and man God loves us so much. I can't even... waah!

Jessie and Molly and Gina were praying for me when I was repenting and I just felt really ashamed and sad and they said that the Lord told them that He was going to allow them to feel a small sample of what the Lord was feeling for me and they all told me that they felt this huge amount of LOVE and that they literally hurt inside and I was just like....... ???? what???? It's so hard for me to accept that.
I feel like have a hard time remembering, I'm trying to do these good things and grow, but it's not even about that. It's all about Christ!

Anyway - the Easter cookout was SO much fun. So much great food. Chocolate pie, my favorite! :-) And we sang songs and had an egg breaking contest. My egg was pretty strong.

~

It's good to have my feet in back on the right path. It's like coming home. And when I'm in right standing with the One I adore so much, it's the best thing in the world. I feel great.

I guess I've been a bit hung up on old sin. You know that old saying, history never repeats itself, but it rhymes? Well... I really need to be careful. I guess I realized that I needed to be careful, but there was a point that I just kind of ignored it and said, "I'm going to do this anyway, because I WANT to," and I figured I'd deal with the consequences later.

Looking at it now this seems to be the recipe for so many of life's disasters. Ugh, I've been a fool.

Even now, after all I've been shown, and how the Lord's been so faithful to give me the desires of my heart... Everything I asked for I've been receiving. It's almost uncanny.

I guess I knew, Wednesday night, praying for humility was going to be tough, and I wouldn't like what God did to bring that about... For some reason it still came as a surprise.

Just when you feel like you're doing everything right.. God's going to wreck your self-righteous heart, haha...

Anyway. It sure cured me of my huge pride problems. I'm very thankful for grace.

Good Friday

Let's see. It's Friday night. What's been happening?

Too many things....

Well, 72 hours of prayer was amazing. Our G-d is definitely a Living G-d, truly alive and not dead.

Thursday was nice, I went to a Maundy Thursday service at Eamon's church and it was so beautiful, I really do like liturgical services.. They had a container of water at the entrance and you had to do the sign of the cross with the water, and kneel, and it was really special.. I have a lot of admiration in my heart for the people who were showing G-d such reverence.


It reminded me of the state of the American church today and how irreverent we tend to be - the fear of the Lord is something we don't really instill in our youth groups.

Then, Friday, I went back to the prayer tent, helped put it back, went to lunch with friends, went to Crow and had Loverlies practice...

Pastor Ross had a Good Friday video presentation that was very somber. Now, understand, I've been exposed to video games that contained gratuitous violence and people's heads exploding like pumpkins, so I'm not afraid or even disturbed by blood, especially onscreen. But when I was advised to think about my sin and all the things I'd done to grieve the Lord, and watched a representation of my Blessed Savior cry out because hooks were ripping off His skin.. it made it all the more significant..

It's not the severe violence that wrenches my heart. It's how He was meek and gentle and silent and asked forgiveness for all of them, during the whole thing... His Holy humility, in the face of so much darkness. I knew it was ME that was hurting Him, and He just bore it gently. How often is it that we actively hurt someone and they forgave us in their hearts as we are doing it, so that it looks like they aren't even being hurt?
Huh, but you know this already? Right? Nothing new to you... it's not new to me either, but it's newly real.

~

After that we went to Fuzzy's Tacos and then we went to the Spectahouse and watched Tombstone... great movie.

Not much else to report, other than a general feeling of confusion over how much goodness has been dumped out on me. The people that love me must have prayed for me to have come into a place of such wonderful, wonderful joy and contact with my Lord.

I wrote the first new song I've written in a long time. Not just a flimsy song that I'll forget. This is one I like. It doesn't have words just yet, but I'm calling it 'Toska.'

~

I wonder... what could G-d possibly have in store for me? He's been so faithful to answer prayers, and after all this prayer, certainly big things are about to happen...

be encouraged friends, as a Friend whispered in my heart.

Whirlwind

I watched a really great movie Monday night. "Lemon Tree." I still don't know what to think about the situation in Israel and Pakistan. I was hoping this movie would make everything clear, but the more I learn, the more confusing it seems.

There are some things I've just decided are over my head. I like to think simply.

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tina's birthday party was really great. Then we went to start 72 hours of prayer, and the band started practicing the song "Your Love Never Fails," and I was just really full of joy.

I don't really know how to tell about today. I don't even know how to respond when people ask how I'm doing. (The correct resonse is "Good") But I try to be perfectly honest with everyone and the truth is usually "I'm feeling fantastic!" But it feels like I'm caught up in a whirlwind.

I had two very vivid dreams. One was where I met an old crush of mine and when I had to pick which road to travel down, I traveled down his road, and then he got in his car and drove away. I started running, and I started passing everyone in cars. I could run extremely fast.

The next dream was awful. I dreamed that a baby got bitten by a poisonous snake... For some reason the father of the baby thought that the baby would be safe from the poisonous snake if the baby's foot was pressed against the snake's face.

I won't tell you what they mean, but I'm very sure about them. I've got to be careful with my heart.

Renewal

Sun-day, fun-day

We went to Sukho Thai after church today. I've missed that place. Then I went home and took a nap.

Meghan picked me up and we went to the clothing drive and I played cajon and we all played old school praise songs. It's been a long time since I've heard "Here I am To Worship" in church...

You know, it's good to help people. It's one of the fruits of loving the Lord. Giving clothes away to people in need, giving service, it shows that we're God's people.

Then we went out on the square and lay in the grass and talked about deliverance and the Lord and good things like that...

Meghan, Grace and I all went to McDonald's after that. Then we went to communion. Meghan took me home and now I'm here. Just thinking about... not necessarily how wonderful life is... but how mighty God has shown Himself to be in our lives.

Thought for the Day
~~~~~~~~~~

Firstly, the Lord is good and faithful. Lately I've been doubting some of the things that have happened, and it just doesn't seem possible that the Lord intervenes in our lives.

Of course, not only is it possible, but it's a blessing, and I was also walking in disobedience and apathy.

I used to feel frustrated and, funny enough, it came from striving to please man... Which is a huge hurdle, at least from a fleshly point of view.

I felt this deep, choking need to be different in the eyes of people who knew me in Fort Worth - if I wasn't perfect, then for some reason, the renewal of my faith that happened here wasn't "legit."

It started last semester when I felt like no one was taking me seriously.

I just now caught it. Obviously there's more things, not taking responsibility for the things that have been brought to light, things I know I should be doing....

But I'm finally at peace. I'm a sinner. Pastor Ross has said before and said again today, "The cross will never be meaningful to you if you don't realize that you're a sinner." I'm not sure of his exact words, but basically, I got tired of hearing the trite message of how Christ died for me and how awful it was for Him.

It would have been real to me every time I heard it IF I hadn't been so stinkin' self righteous every time it was preached to me.

I guess it's a test to see where you are. I kept failing the test. (I'm still not as broken as I should be... I know that.)

But if you think you're a great person and a special snowflake and the world revolves around you and YOU'RE perfect, then the cross is useless to you.
It makes sense why I used to not be able to handle criticism. Self-righteousness. Boom. Ouch.

Now... I'm still trying to be sensitive to sin, but I relearned those two old truths that I keep finding more and more precious.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God.
Morning by morning new mercies I see.

Together those two song verses have brought me back to the foot of the cross, ashamed and aware of my own foolishness. And yet I've come a long ways since high school. Not by my own 'perceptiveness,' goodness knows, I was born blind... Happily, my Jesus is a Master of healing blind people. Of all kinds.

~~~~

Maybe this is another moment of youthful optimism and hunger for the world to change... maybe it's dumb, but even if everyone I love and look up to disregards it, I don't mind.

Warren said tonight, "We are not waiting around for a revival. This is it. We are the revival."

And at first, you think, we're a bunch of kids (and grown-ups) praying in a living room, talking about revival.

But I know, I don't just FEEL, I'm sure that the kind of heroic faith we saw in the saints of old hasn't died. The same Holy Spirit in Stephen is burning in my heart. I don't have to be any more "righteous."
With that in mind... why shouldn't we be the revival??

People scoff because revivals usually overthrow governments and do big things.
But they scoffed at Jesus, too.
People scoff at me. That doesn't mean that I have any less chance than Rich Mullins to make a difference.

Every hero started out here, submerged in an apathetic culture that had resigned itself to its own fate.
I can't think of a single hero that didn't have to sacrifice everything to change the world.

When I say I want to change the world.... I don't mean I want to climb to the top of the heap, to overthrow the government, and to turn everyone into hippies.
I mean that I want to change the world, by ushering in the Kingdom.

So where does what I'm doing now plug in with these far-fetched notions?

Well, I'm at college. Studying Strategic Communications. I want to get a job. I want to get an apartment. I want to live and work and save up money to accomplish my dreams.

Previously I had mentioned that my dream was to go to Japan and start a garden. But by the time I graduate... what if there's a bigger dream? What if God wants something else for me?

But there are years in between. I'm listening for the Lord. I have decided that I won't go until the Lord gives me a clear sign. I will serve faithfully wherever I am.
(you can breathe a sigh of relief now)

I realize this is oodles and oodles to read, and I'm sorry, I usually like to keep these short.

But here's a challenge.


Look in your heart. Do you really love the Lord your God with all your soul, heart, mind and strength? Or do you have idols?

Whatever you're building your life around
Whatever you can't stop thinking about
Whatever you turn to for support first
Whatever you hope in
Whatever you find yourself longing for...

Hey! I'm not trying to say that I don't have them! I do! But breaking them is so GOOD! You get closer and closer to God!

Examples of common idols:

-approval of man. if you find that you spend all your time trying to make people like you.
-stability, security. when you spend all your time trying to make sure that you can stand on your own two feet. There was a reason Jesus said "Blessed are the poor," and I think it's because they know how to really have faith and depend on the Lord for their needs.
And then there are those material idols. I know I sometimes make an idol out of my phone or my super-nice stereo. I'm lucky to have them.

When you turn your eyes to Heaven and store up your treasures there, you start to realize how dim the things of this world really seem to you, and the Kingdom here on earth seems more and more in focus and in color.

in the words of the disciple that Jesus loved, "LOVE ONE ANOTHER"

Accordion-e

What a great evening!!

Me and the church worship team went out to Chili's!

Then we rehearsed at the church. We will be playing one of Jon Ladner's original songs! (it's super great)
And I'll be playing accordion on it!!! I don't know, there's just something uniquely splendid about the accordion. I love it! Maybe it's my Polish heritage! Polka!

Then we stopped by Crow and set up a fort with chairs, blankets, and pillows, and hung out with Gina's kids.

I just got back, but this seems like a wonderful way to kick off my return!! I wonder what awesome things are going to happen tomorrow?

"Bad" day?

Were I not trying hard to be an obedient servant of Our Lord Christ, I would not say that today was a good day.
As it is? Well, I would say that it was. I learned a lot about myself.
I’m not used to being in a bad mood. But today, I had evil in my heart. I felt grumpy. I tried hard to be obedient throughout, but it was just hard… I guess it can’t always be easy.

My laptop got another virus, even with the anti-virus software. Maybe it’s finally time to ditch the old dinosaur haha!

I lost my USB stick with a lot of great stuff on it. I’m lucky that I had already turned in my paper and I may find it again, until then, I’ll just email things to myself…
I also lost my headphones. Bummer. I’ll keep looking for those, too.
So, losing things always ticks me off big time, and I was already in a foul mood, so that was frustrating.

I was riding to class and trying to keep my chin up, even though I felt tired and mad. I never feel that way, so it’s hard for me to control my temper. But I was trying my best. I was so out of sorts that I kept saying wrong answers to questions and I just…. I felt very off-kilter. Even as I was riding my bike, I almost crashed multiple times.

Before all this happened, me and Nathan and Dustin were praying at the church, and Dustin prayed that I would have boldness and be tested so that I could see the fruits of all the teaching I was receiving.

With that in mind, I’d certainly say there was a lot of testing today. But he also prayed that I would be full of light, and full of grace. So far, even while I was angry, I was taking my thoughts captive and rejecting negative thoughts. They kept coming, and I kept fighting them.

But I was riding my bike and it was hot and I took my beloved jacket off (that I wore everyday because the mornings are cold) and hung it on my purse as I rode, and when I got off my bike, my pink jacket was missing! I looked everywhere, retraced my steps, frantically, but I couldn’t find it.

I got that jacket at the Gaylord Hotel, it says “ICE” on it, and it’s super cozy. I always used to wear it when I got sick because it was so comfy…. It had a lot of memories.

Still – it was just a silly jacket, and it shouldn’t have made me cry, let alone have a meltdown, but it turned into the straw on the proverbial camel’s back. I cried all the way to class, wore sunglasses so no one could tell, and then in the middle of class went to the bathroom and cried some more.
I became aware of my iniquity and need for grace in English Comp. I was done crying and felt bitter and just kind of wanted to go home. I took all my anger out in my case speech, I was supposed to argue for some new government policy, and I was … well, kind of acidic. I didn’t even really care about the policy, but when my teacher gave a reason for why the plan wouldn’t work, I took all my anger out in my refute, and even though she was impressed I could tell that I hadn’t been very loving.
Well, I gotta go, I think my day is about to turn around. I’m going to play drums tonight and then I am going to go to a pancake dinner party.
Praise the Lord for loving me even when I am grumpy and acidic. I think after I get a great night’s sleep, and eat some eggs, I’ll feel better.
At this point in my walk all I could do is sing hymns without truly feeling happy in trials. I can’t wait until I grow to that level of maturity that I won’t break down, give up, and dance for joy even in the midst of things like this.
Pray for me.

~

An added note to this:

God is faithful to turn things around. The night sure was fun. After Crave, small group was awesome. And then Pancake dinner at the pearl house was awesome too :)

I feel so much better. As an encouragement to you, even your worst days can turn out to be your favorites! Don't lose faith! Be strong in the Lord. Fight the good fight, friends

Umeboshi

Just got back from praying at the BSM! Good, sweet time of prayer! God is moving!

You might not be particularly impressed to hear that it was the most exciting part of my day, but I was studying all day, and that prayer meeting was the only significant thing I did besides eating meals.
- actually, I went to the thrift store and got a beautiful summer skirt that goes down to my feet. Also got two comfortable shirts because the graphic tees I used to wear everyday have shrunk away to nothing.

I'm wearing one right now and it feels like a snuggie. :)

Tomorrow will be more fun because I will turn in my paper and finally be free to have some fun times!
not that today hasn't been - it was actually really nice. It just goes to show, you don't need fantastic circumstances to have a lovely day.

Tomorrow I plan on having a picnic with myself and Walt Whitman. I will bring a mat and a sandwich and lay on the grass and read poetry.... mm!!!
Guess what?! There is going to be a 72-hour prayer tent!!! Obviously since I have class (and also require meals) I can't be there all 72 hours, but the goal is to have people there all 72 hours just praying and praying!

~
"We're all born with selfish desires, so we can all relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is something formed individually within each person, so it's easy to misunderstand when others are trying to be kind to you."

This is really cute. (An onigiri is a rice ball, and an umeboshi is the topping, like a fruit.)

"If you think of someone's good qualities as the umeboshi in an onigiri, it's as if their qualities are stuck to their back! People around the world are like onigiri. Everyone has an umeboshi with a different shape and color and flavor. But because it's stuck on their back, they might not be able to see their umeboshi. "There's nothing special about me. I'm just white rice." Maybe the reason people get jealous of each other, is because they can see so clearly the umeboshi on other people's backs. I can see them, too. I can see them perfectly. There's an amazing umeboshi on your back, my friend."

Chemical X

A list of things that happened to-day

1. Church. Played accordion. Ross talked about the church and "the temple." was pretty convicted.
2. went to the Loophole. ate a mushroom burger. So weird. So good.
3. Went to the Nelson center (a center for kids with dysfunctional families) and played Telephone Pictionary with the kids. They were so sweet. And we all had fun together. Prayed against spiritual forces afflicting them.
4. went to Yogurt Story. revealed that I was wearing a Justin Bieber shirt. Poor choice. I'll never hear the end of it.
5. went to Crow House. helped Jacob write a song. It's a secret song, though
6. read The Little Prince. still mentally digesting it.
7. went back to dorm, worked on paper for hours and hours (because I really do care about my schoolwork and want to excel.)
~

I feel compelled to share all these truths I've been learning with younger believers. about discipleship and turning Christianity into a legitimate lifestyle. It changed my life. Walking with the Lord.

Nothing compares to this. Every day, seeking the Lord? growing in truth? (eep) confessing sins? Walking in the light, it's revolutionized everything!!!

I get really sad when I come across Christians who aren't really in the truth, and I just want them to come chase the Lord with me, but they think that they're done. They're angry, and sad, and unsatisfied, and I know they want Christ, but they don't even know and they say they know. They don't walk in love but they straighten up for youth group. I don't get upset because I feel self-righteous and I want people to live like I do, I feel bad because they aren't experiencing the redemption and a Gospel-centered lifestyle.

I professed Christ my whole life, even when I didn't understand. I always claimed to know Christ, and accepted teaching, but it is only now that I have taken responsibility and left the milk, moved on to solid food, that I truly understand and want more. That's how I know the difference between professing and thinking you're in the truth, and really being in the light.
And I want that for all of my Christian friends! A true understanding and a faith that produces fruit!
Because I know that anything less just isn't enough.

........ Sometimes I wonder if that's what people have been trying to tell me all my life at Christian youth camps. I know they mentioned really being a disciple. I think they tried to tell us about the new way of life. I've been trying to figure out, what was the secret ingredient? What turned the book of old Jewish law in my hand into THE LIVING WORD?
When I came here I was blessed with prophetic dreams and Spirit-led encounters and witnessing incredible Gospel-centered lifestyles.

I just have to have more, more truth! More Word! More Light!

a Mom-ish day

I'm being more productive than I thought. I did a major cleaning of my room, laundry, etc. The room was getting pretty scary.

Then, got some groceries. It's tough to bike with a gallon of milk in a bag on your arm.

I was on my way home when I heard a male voice singing, "We were meant to live for so much more..." and he trailed off. I didn't see who it was (there was a corner dividing us). He didn't finish. I sung back, "But we lost ourselves!"

And he sang back, "Somewhere we live inside!"
We kept singing the next line to each other. But I left before he made it around the wall.

So, mystery-Switchfoot-fan-man, if we meet again, just wanted to let you know,
you have a nice voice,
and a nice taste in music.

~

My hypothesis was that jazz music is best for writing papers.
However. While jazz is great for stimulating creative stuff like my art homework, jazz just makes me frustrated when I'm doing something like writing a paper about something I hate.

I can't really get passionate about something like nitrogen. I suspect that I was born without a left side of my brain, because I have neither logic nor sciency smarts.

So I'm trying out different genres, hoping one will work. At this point the most successful genre is vacuous pop. Justin Bieber, you're the only thing making this paper bearable....Well, I've been doing so little play and so much work, I sure do feel like a mom.
Especially now that I just switched to Herbie Hancock.

Labours

As hard as I've been working, I thought I could take a little bitty break, after all the tests and projects due, I thought, ok, I got this! But I checked my syllabus and realized, I can't slow down! I've got to stay ahead!

But I think after this next week I will greatly enjoy a weekend at home.... away from it all?

Ba-da-da! Still marching on. Getting lots of sleep. It's nice. Tomorrow is a day devoted to
1) studying and only at lunchtime will I break for Crooked Crust with friendys.

Thought for the day:
I know I can be a bit prideful, and I thought it was kind of a harmless thing, since I try to be kind anyway, and live unselfishly, but I realized that it carries over into my spiritual life. My life seems to revolve around my discovery of new spiritual truths and studying, gaining more and more knowledge.
As great as that is, I think I've been a little unfruitful in actually going out and doing kingdom work. I don't have a lot of kingdom-building goals, and sometimes I'm studying when I should be ministering.
It's selfish of me not to be intentional about sharing the water of life.

I guess I have hopes and dreams, but I really should think about small steps.
And I need to take responsibility! I can't just sit around and ponder! (though I do it all the time, just space out and think about all the things I don't know)

The first step: washing those dirty dishes!!!

the best song in the wide world
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTQODxIufkI

A Lady

"A polished lady will shine in all circumstances."

I think that I used to scorn the notion of being a well-behaved and gentle woman. Being older and gentler, I now see the merit in things like grace, tranquility, and overall classiness.
There's significant differences between "ladies" and "tramps."
I guess not everything about the traditional "lady" lines up with my perception of the righteous woman in Proverbs. I'd never advocate turning my nose up at things that aren't "just right" or being snobby. But there seem to be similarities, and desirable qualities in a "Lady."

From a site called "How to be a Lady"
Meaning of a Lady: A well-mannered and considerate woman with high standards of proper behaviour. A woman who is regarded as proper and virtuous.

I was actually reading the list, and a lot of the tips directly contradicted each other, but still, there were some that seemed like good things to do.

1. Be generous with expressions of gratitude such as: ‘Thank You’ and ‘I appreciate that’.
25. Don’t complain about the weather. You cannot change it anyway.

I don't know. Classy women stand out in a world that doesn't value gentle women.

Sure, there are times to be undignified, but one must try, hm? Being graceful and kind is a blessing to those around you. It makes people feel comfortable.

I'm not saying that people who don't wear the nicest clothes are "less", or that blunt and honest people aren't valuable. But if you introduce grace into whatever you do, no matter what you wear, you will shine as a lady, like Cinderella.

at His feet

I'll give you the silly, sped-up version of my whirlwind-weekend. But the only way for you to understand how it was, is if I could build a roller coaster with my words, put you on it, and let you sample a 15-second corkscrew.

In a good way. Lots of great things happened, but they went by so fast.
It's hard for me to hold on to these good times now.

Instead of slowly drinking them in, like drizzling honey, the moments are raining down like a magical meteor shower, and I'm sitting in the trailer bed of the Life truck, laughing and letting everything whip my hair around.

So here's the main points of the weekend:
- went to Van Alstyne, played drums!
- spent the night at Meghan's aunt's house!
- learned how to waltz! (it's a big deal for me)
- ate a burrito and a half!
- watched Amazing Grace! ("I know two things to be true: I am a great sinner, but Christ is a great savior." amen brotha)
- had a burger!
- ice cream sundae!
- played drums again!
- played with a dog and jumped on a trampoline!
- listened to a really loveable guy talk about being a disciple of Christ!

When I look at all these things, I think, no one who reads this will say, "wow, Rachel, those are incredibly fun things!" Here's the thing: when you're with wonderful people, like Meghan & co., even little mundane things turn into sweet happy things.
I would be happy with people I adore no matter what I was doing. I could be in 110 degree heat wearing a giant mink coat and having to carry the Titanic on my back, but I think I'd still be in a good mood.

Then I think, y'know, maybe it's more than that. Maybe when your heart is in a worship mentality, it's hard to not be cheery, because it's what you were made for. And it's so easy to be in that mindset of worshipping the Lord when you're around godly people. Anyhoo - a good one.

Thought for the day

I think the biggest difference in my walk with Christ, that turned me from someone who just kind of went to church and knew all the right answers, and had all the right theology, and didn't have a worshipping heart, and the Love of Christ was not really in me.... the biggest difference happened when I really understood what being a disciple meant.
Okay, so that doesn't mean much to you. it's cliche. And I thought I knew what it meant. But hear me out.

There are those people in your life that are so WISE and AWESOME and you wish you could be just like them. I literally, when I met some of these wise people, wanted to sit at their feet and take notes. I didn't speak much because I was listening intently to what they had to say. Every chance I could get to be around them and learn from them, I took it. I asked questions and trusted them.
..You following me?

When you become a Christian, you pretty much sign off your Sunday mornings, and for extra credit you go to youth group or Bible class. Done. But let's be honest: that only works in class. That's how you treat mandatory things.

When you become a disciple of Christ... you hand over your life. You get up, leave your nets, and follow. Why? Because Christ's truths were so compelling that people got up to follow Him, sit at His feet, and listen to what He had to say. In church we get compared to the disciples a lot, but they're apples and we're oranges IF we aren't chasing after Him, trying to catch every word.
His teachings are in the Bible. I don't remember what church it was, but when the Gospel of Christ was preached to them, the Bible says that they "eagerly searched the Scriptures to find out if what they were told was true." That changed the way I looked at the Old Testament. And the notion of a mentor changed how I looked at Jesus.

Jesus Christ isn't our homeboy, a cosmic boyfriend, or a self-help genie. He's not that emotional twinge you get during a soft hymn.

If we profess Christ, the relationship might be compared to like in the medieval days, when knights had utmost respect for their king, and dearly loved him. The Chronicles of Narnia have some of my favorite illustrations. The Narnians (who loved Aslan) trembled and fell at his paws when they met him, but loved him. I like to say, "trembling in adoration."

I don't think American youth group kids feel like they should fear the Lord. They keep out of scary books like Leviticus and prefer to talk about the love of Christ and forget that He holds Justice in His other hand. "Let there be a flood of justice, an endless procession of righteous living..." But do we practice justice or righteous living? It's about as useless as a screen door on a submarine...

"[After You left] I memorized every word You said..." - R.M.
"I want to take my passion, put it in a bottle, just to waste it at your feet." - M.Edwards

I think the reason that the "church isn't just Sunday and Wednesday" message gets preached so much to the youth groups is because they aren't getting it. They don't know how to follow and devote themselves to a teaching. We grow up flitting from one thing to another. Back in the village days when kids learned a trade from an older person, the concept of studying under a person was easy to grasp. So they rearranged their lives to reflect that they followed Christ.

Now?
We're the center. We're in charge of our own destinies. They tell us to follow our hearts. The glorified doctrine of American individualism.
So nobody even knows what it means to follow Christ. All they know is the whims and wishes of their hearts.

And that's my theory of what happened to discipleship.....

A Romantic Notion Perhaps

"What does it mean to be human? What does it mean to be human?
I cannot help but suspect that at one time in the history of thinking
that people believed that it meant that we were spiritual and that we
could make choices and were capable of aspiring to higher ideals...
like maybe loyalty or maybe faith... or maybe even love.
But now we are told by people who think they know, that we vary from
amoeba only in the complexity of our makeup and not in what we
essentially are. They would have us think as Dysart said that we are
forever bound up in certain genetic reigns - that we are merely products
of the way things are and not free - not free to be the people who make
them that way. They would have us see ourselves as products so that
we could believe that we were something to be made - something to
be used and then something to be disposed of. Used in their wars -
used for their gains and then set aside when we get in their way.
Well, who are they? They are the few who sit at the top of the heap -
dung heap though it is - and who say it is better to reign in Hell than
to serve in Heaven. Well, I do not know that we can have a Heaven
here on earth, but I am sure we need not have a Hell either.
What does it mean to be human? I cannot help but believe that it means
we are spiritual - that we are responsible and that we are free - that
we are responsible to be free." -Rich MullinsI go through phases where I really adore Rich Mullins, but each time, I have deeper and deeper respect for the man. And I want to believe what he believed in.

And the more I study the Bible, the more I become convinced that Jesus wasn't calling us to live an American dream with a Christian spin on it. The more I become convinced that he wasn't being metaphorical when he told the rich ruler to sell everything, and that when we lay hands on the sick, they really will be healed. Jesus said a lot of stuff that most people never mention now-a-days
That the Holy Spirit isn't just a good feeling, but has the power to move a mountain.
That our love for the Lord should make our love for even our families look like hate by comparison.

I decided not to abandon everything I knew, but to challenge it. To read, as if I had just begun my existence and had no preconcieved notions, the Bible and take it as my Absolute Truth - an idea that the spectacled free-thinkers would gnash their teeth at.

I don't have a house to sell and give to the poor.
But my heart, soul, mind, and strength are consecrated to the Lord. And whatever God hands me, I'll let rest in my palms, fingers open.

The dream is to start a branch of the Simple Way in Japan. To grow fruits and vegetables in a Prayer Garden.

I once envisioned myself as a well-to-do advertiser living in a cute-button house in America, maybe children.
But even that doesn't seem like much to trade in for the dream of spreading hope and joy in Japan. But it's my (dream) house to sell.
I don't even mind not going to Japan, y'know? Wherever I live, I'm going to practice New Monasticism.

And even though I know absolutely no one will take me seriously, because I'm young and idealistic and eighteen and I don't know better, about what happens when you grow older and try to hack through all the bills, tape, doubt, and what cynics call "real life".... I still believe with all my heart that it can be done. And I'll give my life for it.

The apostles, the saints of old, the saints of today, and the brothers and sisters living in Denton all believed it could be done. They believed in more than cheap Christian culture.. that there was a hope worth giving up everything for.

If this were some romantic idea born entirely out of the flame of youth, you'd be entitled to put a hand on my shoulder and gently tell me so.
But just because everyone expects me to burn out and get a normal life doesn't mean I will. I think.... despite everything... I'm finally at the age where I can decide my future. That even though my life hasn't been much of my choices up to now (more of my background really) that it has reached the point where I can choose, and I choose Christ.

Marshall showed me this poem, it's his favorite, and I think he's right to think it beautiful:
"The Mad Farmer Liberation Front" by Wendell Berry
http://www.context.org/ICLIB/IC30/Berry.htm