The Scientist

Algorithm(al´g&-rith-&m) (n.) A formula or set of steps for solving a particular problem.

As much as I consider myself someone who wars against logic itself, a person motivated almost exclusively by emotion.... I've realized that I'm more of a scientist than I thought.

The popular idea of personality is two big boxes. The goofy, fun, spontaneous people, and the introverted, calculating, reserved people. And I always say, "Oh, I'm silly, I'm box number one."

But as much as I like to show people a bright-eyed child, passionate and fun-loving... man, as much as I wish I were entirely innocent and well-intentioned, that's only a sliver of who I really am. Even those bad traits of the child: insecurity, even foolishness - those seem like "manageable vices."

I'm not building a "false self." I am what I am. I'm young and stupid. But I'm not always well-intentioned. I'm not always abstract and artsy. I've come to grips with the fact that I'm more calculating and manipulative than I ever want to admit.

My recent quest has been "learning to love people well." I've gone about that in a frighteningly scientific way.... Analyzing what makes people feel loved, trying to compute and measure affection, and spending all my time just trying to figure out why people don't get along and how that can be fixed.
When I'm unhappy, my reaction is a purely scientific one. I analyze. I calculate. I make lists. I diagnose.

... and to my surprise, I found my summer math class incredibly, incredibly fun.

I'm a scientist when it comes to so many things. I like to have a schedule. I hate being unproductive. Gosh, even in junior high, I thought I was going to be a scientist.

Nobody sees me like that. No one would call me a scientist. I don't know how many people take me seriously. I make a lot of jokes. I know some people think I'm kind of dumb. And that's okay. I would rather people think that, honestly...
But I know I've really made a connection with someone when I let them see the dark scientist in me.

I'm not unique in this. I don't mean to say that I'm secretly more intelligent than I make myself out to be - I just mean to say, just because I'm happy and young, doesn't mean you can't take me seriously.

I mean, seriously.

...How the heck am I supposed to come up with a lame joke at the end now?