Friendly

Dear friendlies, today something wonderful happened.

I was pulling in my driveway after dropping Maggie and Elise off at school, and suddenly, I saw the mailman, and I told him "thank you!"

He smiled and said, "You have a good day, now!" And it was so warm and encouraging that it filled me up like drinking hot cocoa.

Every once in a while I have that warm, fuzzy feeling, that the whole world has been trying to be kind all along and we just don't understand sometimes.

Well, even though it's not true, I still think people are kinder than we give them credit.

It all comes back to Christ. The Hope of nations. I have to remember not to just try to "be kind" but be "like Christ" and that means everything.

Nineteen / Loving Real Humans

I'm nineteen. My birthday was last Friday. My party was the next day.

I gave myself a haircut and dyed my hair auburn. Overall, it feels like a big change. Turning 19 feels like a legitimate renewal for me.

I've been spending less time pondering and thinking and more time applying what I think about. I haven't really spent a lot of time goofing off, either. Just trying to be excellent.

Today my hands just started cleaning and organizing on their own. I folded my clothes and couldn't stop once I'd started. It was kind of strange. I did dishes, too.

I guess it's because I know some incredibly responsible people that are 19. Or maybe I'm just growing up on my own. I actually considered starting to drink coffee... but I don't think I'm ready for that one yet.

Last year I was so stoked about the party that the BSM threw for me. It was so great. That was a good day. But man, last Saturday, that was absolutely magical. People were so kind to me. I really love my household, my friends, and my family...
Life just gets better and better.

One more thing.

People are hard to deal with. Even wonderful, talented, loving people. When the rubber meets the road, you have to work hard to be 'sane' about things. "If you think that you're right all of the time, that's a common misconception." - Antarctica

Love is about meeting each other halfway. It's not waiting for the other person (if they messed up) to come crawling back to you, or "winning" the fight, or proving a point.
I've experienced with everyone I've ever loved dearly the fleeting moments of annoyance, and I'm amazed when it happens because I thought so highly of them, I didn't think I'd ever be annoyed or think badly of them. Then one day I can't stand them!!! ARGGHHH!

Then later, I realize, they really are just humans. Humans that I adore and will always cherish, no matter how my surface emotions rage, there is always that undercurrent of sincere love. (This is the key to living with roommates.)

So maybe this is elementary. Yeah, but it needs to be said and lived. A lot of people live like they don't know this.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart. Love your neighbor as yourself. These are the two greatest commandments.

Chicken Soup / One Way

I'm sick.

Went to the store, promptly, to buy orange juice and chicken soup.
Survived the attempt. Mission, success.
Woke up at 4:16 this morning due to aforementioned sickness. Ugh.

Thank goodness I don't have any homework besides studying in general. Also, another happy thing, the quiz in class today was open notes, so it was a breeze.
So class is going well, I s'pose.

Elise wrote a new song. I like it, it has a part where the chorus is "there is one way, there is one truth, there is one life... the gate is wide, but it's a narrow path..."
The song overall is about Jesus being the way, and not just a good man. But the encouraging part for me is the notion of One Holy Catholic Church, that everyone who believes in the Apostle's Creed and who trusts in Jesus are all brothers and sisters, and that we all really essentially believe the same thing. We might be wrong about some things, but the important part is loving and obeying Christ and trying to follow the law, huh?

I guess I can't say what the "important" parts are. But for me, the most encouraging story in the Bible regarding doctrine and the "narrow way" is this one:

39 One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!”

40 But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? 41 We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”

42 Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

43 Jesus answered him, “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.”

I don't EXACTLY know what will happen to me when I die. Different denominations say different things. But I want to go with that thief to join beautiful, sweet, kind, lovely, Holy, perfect Jesus.

Mmmmm, drinking my delicious chicken soup broth now. I hope I'm right as rain again soon.

Me in 2007

I looked up my old myspace. I was trying to find a picture I posted but ended up stumbling over my old blog. Goll-ey.

- "I'm the drummer for Rayconsense - which I will firmly argue for my band-mates is the best band ever. I'm usually a nice person - or I like to think so anyway."
- "I have never, never understood blogs. I write them anyway."
"He's inspired me to work harder at everything. I'd never ask for his admiration haha - just his respect - I know, it'll never happen, right? But I can't stop thinking, "if i just get a little better, if I just work a little harder..." -2008

"Can't stop smiling. Can't stop love. Can't stop believing, even if I wanted to, because after getting through all the crap and learning to stand on my own two feet, I've proved to myself that anyone can really get better." -2009

The Inside of Love

I was sitting in my Geology class when it hit me.

The textbook illustrations, the graphic displays of the geological processes - you need those visuals to understand how Planet Earth works, right?

Well, what if I made graphics like that to show how people work? Once I figure it out, that is.

But that's my science of choice, isn't it? People. I want to figure out people. I want to love well. I want to teach people how to love each other. Like any science, isn't it helpful to see what's going on?
I don't know. That just seems like the only way to blend all of my interests...

Hey, do something nice for yourself today. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're very special.

The Blues

This morning I woke up right at 6. Right when I wanted to. That never happens. I even had a cup of coffee with my favorite breakfast - croissant, bacon, egg and cheese sandwich.

I crawled back in bed with Grace and told her jokes to wake her up.

We had a breakfast dance party, after which we all agreed, it was going to be a good day.

So many good things happened. We were right.

Somehow, though, I still ended up in tears after a frustrating experience with my history class. That's what seems to be the recurring theme of Tuesdays. Crying.
Tuesdays, for whatever reason, seem to give me a bad case of the blues.

It's easy, when I call it that, "the blues," to point the finger at some disease that doesn't have to do with who I am. Like a cold. I'm still the hero in my mind.

You bend until you break. You just can't take it anymore. That's the thought.

If you just step back and breathe, everything really isn't so bad. You just have the blues and maybe you can't see that so well (maybe you've got tears in your eyes)

I'm not content to be "sick" with the blues. What's the remedy? There's got to be a cure for my heart.

My theory is this. It's not so much a sickness as it is a brokenness in my spirit. Yes, there is wrong, but I'm not the victim. I'm the one doing it wrong - I just need to put the reality and discipline of Joy into practice!

Like all other disciplines, it takes time and persistence. Like all of the other fruits of the Spirit, it is grown.

Even if I have to keep fighting bad things and sad feelings all of the time, I will always choose to dwell in the house of the Lord, and I can't be shaken there.

Church

It's hard, on your own.

You can be tough on yourself and fall into self-righteousness and forget the love of God and shrivel away.
You can be easy on yourself and fall into sin because "all things are permissible" and you can delude yourself into thinking that you're in the right.

That's where the Church of God comes in. The godly people that surround us are just part of that church. We have our church family, but the Church herself is all of the brothers and sisters united under Jesus Christ. One Holy Church. One faith.

We can disagree about some things, but the love of Christ transcends them all. Brothers and sisters that love Christ are able to minister to other brothers and sisters, whatever differences they have.

The saints pray for us, and we pray for the saints.

We pray.

Yes, we are fallen and we are wrong about some things. Theology is confusing. I admit that there are tangles in my theology I'm afraid to try to sort out. Gosh, I don't want to be wrong!

But my sister Elise took me in her arms and said, not knowing that I was wrestling with fear and trying to be strong, started saying, "Don't be afraid. It's okay. You don't have to work hard to be good enough..." and she started proclaiming that the Church was my Mother and how my brothers and sisters were my family.

It's so easy for me to forget. Simple love. Simple faith. My tendency to dive in and try and fix my heart is sometimes what cripples me and keeps me from ministering to others. Silly, huh?

It's my responsibility to love you well. My place, my calling, is to magnify and glorify Christ. I only hinder that by trying to withdraw from the world and "fix myself."

So friends, when in doubt and trouble, don't hide away to lick your wounds. The Church, though broken and lowly, will treat you as part of the body.

One Holy Church. The communion of saints. The forgiveness of sins. I believe in the ressurection. I believe in a life that never ends.

Let earth recieve her King

I've always thought Catholicism was beautiful. I love the sacredness, the holiness that is so absent from the baptist youth group scene. God is terrible, terribly wonderful.

Much more has been said about the modern-day baptist church and how reverence would benefit it, so I'll spare you the lecture and simply say that I've been considering it.

I read Catholic liturgy and I always marvel at the pictures they paint of God and the way we should see Him. Their prayers of petition are so beautiful. They seek to glorify God even as they are asking Him to remedy something.

I don't mean to "evaluate" prayers or to elevate the eloquence of one kind over another. It's silly to gravitate toward the church that makes you "feel" God. You should remain in the community of believers you have covenanted with. That's why I'm not considering going Catholic too much.

I thought, though, "If I set up a rosary that reminds me to pray, that will help me practice the presence of God!" Because I was looking for a physical thing that would force me to seek God.

The real appeal, (it's not the rosary or the liturgy) is the discipline, I think. The practice of the presence of God. The act of choosing to set my eyes on heavenly things instead of worldly ones.

Lastly, you know me, I'm not going to tell you about how silly I think patriotism can be. I champion the notion of "celestial monarchy" and maybe I'm not entrenched enough in the battlefield of this world, but, I want to leave you with this hopeful thought I had.

Today is the tenth anniversary of something terrible that happened to my countrymen. Today ten years ago my brothers hurt my brothers. People sing "God Bless America" but the words of my favorite carol came to mind: (from Joy to the World)

Let earth recieve her King!

We should pray for America, we should pray for our city, and bless the people around us, but we should also pray for our world.

New World

Even though I haven't really left Denton, I haven't gone anywhere new, I still feel like things are different.

I admit I haven't been diligent about chasing after the Lord, chasing after heavenly things. That was the thing that really brought to life all the good things.

Even aside from that, people I love are getting married, people I love are moving, and all the time, people I love are changing. One of the houses we used to go to and have dance parties, nobody lives there anymore.

Matt Terrill's song "Sycamore Street" (listen to their album Random People) is really great for just this kind of feeling. I think everyone struggles with change a little bit. Learning to adjust is hard.

I guess the remedy for the discomfort that comes with losing things is the hope for new things. I have to remind myself that better things are ahead.

Whatever happens to my household, my friends, my career, the city I live in, I just have to have faith

"How lucky I am, to have something that makes saying good-bye so hard" ~ Winnie the Pooh

The Thing Itself

I was marveling today at how easy it is to forget how to love something.

The musician who goes to music school learns how to tear apart music and analyze it to death. The poet, the literature major... As Ross preaches, the theologian who gets caught up in theology doesn't have the full joy of just loving and delighting in the Lord. These devoted people love something and then, in trying to learn to appreciate it, find loving the thing grueling work.
(Not all of course)

It's not usually an unhappy ending. Working in the field you love is a good thing. But it's easy to forget that you really do love something - or even why you really love it.
I do this sort of silly thing all the time. I like to analyze life and love like lab rats. I analyze my own heart. I analyze what people say, what I say, and the cogs of what makes things really special, instead of sitting back and enjoying them.

Ironically, you could call the process of learning to be restful and appreciative a "discipline" of sorts, I think...

I wrote this as I was considering all these things.

But after you devote yourself to something and after you tear it apart and after you really KNOW something, you love it so much better and are able to appreciate it that much more - or so I'm told.

Discipline is a wonderful, beautiful thing - there's treasure in each hard step we take toward excellence.

Just don't forget to love it/them/Him

Godly man

I don't mean to sound all mushy gushy, but I watched this sermon by Mark Driscoll and in it he furiously confronts the men in his church who have been disrespecting their girlfriends/wives.

There are so many lazy, disrespectful, lustful, angry men out there - little boys who are only interested in temporal pleasures and don't pursue wisdom or the Lord's will. Being around so many godly men now, I suppose I kind of forgot just how valuable and rare godly men are. It's so easy to take the other path. But the righteous man chooses the hard and narrow way.

So, the mush I was trying to avoid is this: kudos to my wonderful friend Jon, who is such a picture of the godly man. He is so respectful and wise in so many areas.
You're very dear to me, Jon

Being better to the worse

I've noticed a particular trend in how we accidentally hurt each other's feelings.

Sometimes something will really inspire me (e.g, a philosophy, a way of doing something) and I think, yeah! Everybody should do this.

Different doesn't always mean bad. Some things are just more efficient, but some things are just a matter of preference and everyone has their own way of doing things.
Most of the time, I think people are really aware of this and are very good at being tolerant and loving.

But especially after I've seen something amazing, the things that I don't find as incredible are lost on me. Maybe someone tried really hard to do something well, but I can't see it because I'm convinced that everything should be "that great."

This is my position. There are two kinds of people. People that will inspire and encourage us, and people that we should inspire and encourage. (Obviously we should encourage everyone) but the people that don't impress us often are the ones that need loving and encouragement the most. I find that I let myself be blinded by an idea that is "superior" so I have difficulty giving my time to the "inferior."

I've noticed that when people are complaining and being critical, they're usually being blinded to the treasure in front of them by something "superior."

It's one thing to want to change things for the better. That's what constructive criticism is for. That's why we all toil and work and try to think of more efficient ways to do things.

But our first command was to love the Lord with all our hearts, and the second was to love our neighbors. To do that well, we have to look at them with the eyes of Christ and if they are truly more immature or in need of correction, then they are precious children.

People are precious.