Hasty

Yesterday was frantic.
Also, very dry.
I feel rushed and hasty. Like a crunchy autumn leaf, skittering across the path.

I want the Gospel. I want more truth. I'm desperate for it. Even just listening to podcasts and trying to get good teaching isn't enough.
I feel like there isn't time. There are things I have to do.

I think often about spring break, and how I hope to have good sweet times of prayer, and just rest in the Lord. Not grow, or learn, or even chase, but just to rest in Him.... ohhh I want rest.

Parish was powerful. I still felt (not stressed,) but "keyed up" but I still got some good teaching and instruction.

I'm kind of amazed by the wisdom of some of my friends. They seem wise beyond their years. Even of some people in their 30's or 40's. They talk as if they've lived for hundreds.

~

Day 15 - something you want to do before you die.

Start a garden in Japan. Maybe with fruits and vegetables but definitely flowers.

Day 16 - someone who inspires you.

Well, I would definitely say Maggie is a big inspiration to me. She's always teaching me new things. I am very blessed to learn from her example.

I still feel dry and hasty, but I hope to get some rest ..........

Lenting!

Today was an exciting day. I woke up early and (almost) watched the sun rise with Grace. (It was cloudy/rainy) but it was still nice. We read out of Psalms.
It was sooo great, we were on top of a hill, and I rolled down the hill, and it was really scary, and I got a lot of leaves on me, but it was so much fun!

I doodled this new headlining image for the blog. "seek ye first" because it's just been a very big theme in my renewed walk.

I also decided what I'm giving up for Lent.
I call it, "SPICK!"

1. Soda. never.
2. prayer - All 3 Prayers, writing a letter-prayer every day
3. internet - FB only on Fridays, no silly youtube videos
4. Chocolate. never.
5. Knowledge - podcast+run at least 2 a week, devoting more time to homework

So that's that. If you catch me not following it, then you have permission to put a cockroach in my hair.

(but please don't)

(ever)

Me and Molly are going to watch a choir performance at the Murchison. Should be really really nice! UNT choir = splendiferous

I can't wait. Oh, and tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, so tomorrow's quest will be to find someone who will put ashes on my head!

Child Development

Day 14
"A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without"

You know, when you're smack in the middle of something, it's hard to evaluate it. If I looked at my life from right here, I'd answer differently than I would if I were sitting in a helicopter, looking down at all the rivers and mountains of Rachel-country.

So I'll climb the tallest hill and try to tell you what I think.

It's strange to try and pick one person for each of these categories. the MOST crazy friend. the person that has gotten you through the MOST.
I can try to picture what life would be like had I simply been formed out of dirt. In that sense, there's no one person I can imagine life without. Even Jesus. Back in the days of Moses when you had to sacrifice and pay God back in blood for all the things you did wrong, and go to a priest when you wanted to ask God something... I can try to imagine that.

I think the two most important people in my life are my parents. I would definitely be a lot different....
In Psychology we're learning about childhood development and how if one kid lacks something, he turns out confused in a certain way.
I feel really blessed because, (even though no one here is perfect,) my parents are godly people, and brought me up in love and a peaceful home. They really cared about making sure all of my needs were met. I griped and complained a lot because I thought I had better ideas about what I needed, but I've come to realize that (especially in this day and age) everything they put in me was even more precious than jewels and gold.

That being said, here's a thought:
In a fallen world, every kid seems to grow up missing something, because they all turn out seeking things to fill their void. So in their quest for what the world calls "self-actualization", the El Dorado of psychological health, they ask psychologists to analyze what went wrong in their youth.
What went wrong? No parent is GOD, no father is FATHER; inevitably, some fleshly failing will, if not create, we can say, it will make evident that void.

I think even my situation would affirm that. I think if anyone met my parents they would be amazed at how loving they are and what good parents they are. This isn't just my opinion; I've heard multiple accounts of how impressed people are with my parents. (Again let me restate that I'm blessed)
But EVEN THEN I was not satisfied. Eternity is in the heart of man, and man will not be satisfied until he is reconciled to Him.

That's all I have to say about that ~ ♫

Wonderment, Part Two

Life is even more enjoyable when it's drinkable.

You can watch it like the passing landscape outside a train window, or you can even dangle your fingers in its syrupy textures, but it's so much richer when you bite into it, and you close your eyes, and tingly fireworks are shooting, and you just chew on it for a long time, because it's sweet...

I'm a kid, so it's easy to do.

You know children will do dumb things like eating worms?
I feel just like that. I've been spending just a little time, before the rest of the world wakes up, before I go to class... I take off my shoes and my grown-up thoughts and pretend that I never learned what was expected of me.
I even tried to pretend that I'd never seen the sun rise before. Like it was the very first day of my life. Like I'd just walked out of the morning mist, and was stepping onto the earth, feeling everything at once.

I haven't traveled far enough to know about where I am, or where I'm supposed to be, but I feel like I've started back over at a good place. And more intelligent people than me might sneer and remind me that this is real life and things have consequences, that I have eighteen whole years behind me.

Yes?
I do?
But the Bible says that we are literally born again when we come to faith. And maybe I believed before - I did, but these days feel different. Faith is alive when it is growing, and being fed.
Now I truly do feel like a new creation. My tastes are changing. Maybe intelligent people would sneer and call it "growing up"
Maybe they'd sneer and redefine everything I'm discovering.
They would call me stupid for wondering if angels are the ones that pull open the flower petals at night.
There's an intelligent part of me that knows about things like photosynthesis, and knows Darwin's tall tales about evolution, just like I know the plot of Harry Potter. And I acknowledge that there's physics and biology just like I know the stories about Jack and the Beanstalk.
I could tell you every equation and every detail that I learned for my exams, but they're as meaningful to me as the equation Wingardium Leviosa.

If you explained the evolution of the world to me, I'd probably shrug and say "I know" because there's a part of me that knows, but I don't know that I really believe all that bunk.

Did monkeys rise up and walk? In the scantron bubbles I'll recount that story.

I find myself slowing down. Delighting in things. I think God likes it when I stop and appreciate the gifts He packaged for me to find. I try to imagine gluing all the feathers on dandelion seeds, one by one, and feel grateful that He felt it was worth making.

Sometimes I call it a "childish funk" but what if, in our daily lives, we're in a different funk? What if this childlike funk is the mentality we're supposed to have? What if we're designed to be in a state of wonderment?

I don't know much.

But I'm trying as hard as I can to do the things He's told me to do.
I want to live like a lily, a happy little flower.

Jesus, won't you let me love you more?

Cumulonimbus

Today's challenge, #13, is to upload a picture of your favorite band or artist.

I guess I'll choose...
Cumulonimbus Band!
["the resolute cacophony of a sinner knocking on the gates of heaven"]

Actually, they're not my favorite-favorite, but they're pretty great, and in the chronicles of my college life, they should definitely get mentioned.
If I had to pick, I might say that Jon Foreman is my favorite artist.

We are not alone.

I guess I thought this 30-day challenge thing would keep me posting regularly, but life gets crazy.
Missed 10, 11, so I'll go ahead and do those today, along with 12

#10. Person you do the craziest things with.

I DID dance with Heidi Carver in Wal-mart... but if I had to answer this question honestly, I think I get crazier depending on the people I'm around. If I'm around shy people, I tend to be more obnoxious and theatrical, to compensate (I must need a certain amount of wildness in my life)
If I'm around theatrical people, I am content to sit back and enjoy the show. Competitive as I can be, I've put social competitions behind me. I'm okay. You're okay. Let's not go around trying to out-do each other.

#11. A picture of something you hate.

People have put a lot of things for this: jeggings, Justin Bieber, Glee.... All things that, really, are pretty harmless.
I thought of putting up a picture of the band 30 Seconds to Mars, but... I think I've forgiven them in my heart.
I hate math. Actually, I hate logic. I must be a totally right-brained person, because all of the left-brain traits just bother me. Calculating, analytical people are great, but the odds that I'll ever sit down and logic something out are slim. Also, chess bewilders me. Some people love chess. Some people are champions at chess. Some people will base all their judgement on your character by how you play chess. I think it's a game, and a much less entertaining one than Candyland or Husker Du.

#12. A picture of something you love.
Should speak for itself.

~~~~

The past few days I have obviously not been posting, and during those days, not much has happened.

Friday - took my GSP, passed my GSP, discipleship (watched Furious Love), went to a psychological study, Loverlies practice, Worldlife!
Saturday - stayed in dorm all day. watched a musical, ate popcorn, studied.

Friday night after Worldlife, in kerr lobby, me and Grace had an encounter with this guy that had a heart full of darkness. I think it put me into a bit of a funk, not because he didn't listen to what I had to say, (at the end he was conceding my point) but I became aware of a level of darkness in people.
He was just very deceptive, in the name of kindness, and that scared me. I really trust people. I try to be open and honest and vulnerable - vulnerable in spite of severe fragility.

I like to think that it's worth the risk. Most days, I don't even have a reason to worry. People want to be kind and do the right thing most of the time.
But, I heard Marshall say in parish on Wednesday, some people are just wicked. They want to tear other people down. I think this view is Biblical - some people have hearts that are so hard and cold, that you should keep your most precious and vulnerable things safe from them.
Safety. I guess I didn't think much of it.

Jesus ate with the tax collectors and prostitutes, so I thought Scripture tells us to go out and love the unlovely. Martyrs are a prime example of how love doesn't need to be safe.

I wasn't in any real danger. I wasn't even close to having my spirit crushed. The guy even told me that he was amazed at my "unshakeable faith." I think the armor of God was definitely surrounding my spirit.
But I learned that this was a guy so deceptive, so cold, that I couldn't open my heart and love him properly. I needed armor just to be around him.

I seriously doubt I'll ever see this guy again. But I planted a seed in darkness. Maybe it wasn't for nothing.

Saturday I was kind of in a funk, like I said... People around me were also trying to overcome trials, it just felt like a dark day. But I remembered what Jon Foreman had said in one of his Huffington Post articles.. about how he doesn't write songs when he's happy. He writes them when he's fighting darkness - the songs are anthems of hope, he is shaking his fist at the hopelessness and lies. So I scampered off to the practice room, and wrote a song about standing firm, being bold, rebuking all the fear and darkness - a song about joy and courage in the midst of scary things.

We don't have to be afraid.
We are not the prisoners of the enemy.
We are not alone.
Our Champion is not dead. He's not sleeping. He hasn't left His children.
He told us, just before His ascension:

"I will be with you always, even until the very end of the age."

Stand firm

Day 9
Someone who has gotten you through the most.
Yep
done

Also, my parents really guided me through the angst maelstrom known as junior high.
I feel like nothing can top them.

But Jessica Martin deserves a shout-out. She really encouraged me and gave me some of the best advice that was so edifying to me in dark and troubling times. And she called me out on stuff.
I miss that lady.. :3
~

Today was a great one.

Do I say that every day? I should. But each day feels like it has its own exceptional greatness. These days are like Hollywood stars parading down the red carpet of my golden years.
Stupid metaphor. But is my excitement evident?!

Like a Beatles album. And each day is like a new song.

I woke up, ran around, drank tea, this morning, my legs started hurting really bad!
I felt like a cripple. I ate breakfast with Grace and we prayed over my legs. It was sad because for a few minutes, they were totally fine, and didn't hurt at all, and I jumped for joy, and it didn't hurt to, but after I stood for a while, pain crept back in.
I still have faith in healings! God is certainly doing them. I can't pretend to look at these moments, a mortal bound inside time, and imagine that I know God's reasoning. God is outside of time, and has already prepared great things for His children.
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him." – 1 Corinthians 2:9

Also.. had a nice time at the BSM. I wonder though - I think I might be overexerting myself a wee bit. might drop from the crave team.
smallgroups = awe-shum. had a great prayer time with the girls. The Spirit of the Living God was certainly present.

And it's a cause for celebration and worship that He is indeed a LIVING God!
Oh, that reminds me.. this one evangelist came to campus and it sparked a huge ring of people arguing with him. I got the chance to talk to some angry people and share a bit of Gospel love. It's weird. I think, in the past, I've been frightened and easily *skooshed* by the presence of angry, Gospel-denying people, but I've been developing a strong Spirit (obviously not by my own effort.. just by prayer and listening to good doctrines, this strength is a gift and not a trophy)

It's funny because I'm seeing a lot of changes in my demeanor.

- less jealousy, bitterness. I used to struggle to fight those feelings, and the other day, someone said something and I expected to feel them, there was just a strange absence. The spirit is changing my heart....!!!
- more strength. I am bolder, and less fragile in some ways. And more durable... I can take emotional wear and tear and come out of it A-OK. At the end of the day, I don't feel drained. Still overflowing.
- fuel? I used to think that giving love, loving people, emptied my love tank, and that after so much, I would be exhausted. It's not true. The Spirit definitely has to have my back on this one. I feel so empowered and overflowing with exhortation and not just out of wanting to be nice.

well. I hoped that this would be short. dadgummit
I'll leave you with that silly, wonderful Veggietales parting quote:
"God made you special, and He loves you very much!"
-rachel

Icky-sicky

It's Day eight.

A picture that makes you laugh.

But I'm an overachiever.. here's multiple laughy ones



~
Well I felt too sick to wake up and rise with the morning. Disappointing. However, with all the rest I am getting, (only had 1 class today) I will probably be better in no time.

I feel so brainfried. Every little thing tires me out. Thinking tires me out. This is good, though... just unwinding and stuff. For a few minutes, at least, I can journal all the icky details of this academically-intense week. I have 2 tests and a big paper due.
bleh

Bad time to get sick. But in the words of my favorite artist, Rich Mullins, "I'll carry on, I'll carry on!"
=)

Day 7 - Wet Hair Hotel

Today was a good day. Obviously it had a great start. But it also ended well.

I went to get tutored by the writing lab so I could ace my GSP!

Then me and Jessie went to Yogurt Fusion and got some yummy-yummy-yogurt.... so good
And then Elise had a lovely dinner. And then we sang happy songs to Lord Jesus.

Then Matt came and picked me up and took me away to band practice.
And then, after practice, he took me home. And then I took a shower.

It was really nice, walking down to do my laundry with wet hair. It brought back memories of me as a kid walking back to a hotel room with wet hair, maybe salty from the beach, but oftentimes just chlorine-y. But I went barefoot, it's just a few doors down. And the feel of the carpet on my squeaky-clean toes is what did it, I guess - couldn't stop thinking about how nice I had it, and how nice I still have it.

In other news, I have a slight cold. That makes it very hard for me to do things like bicycle around. I get very tired.
And, I had to rest for a lot of today... but it was very nice....

~

Day, is it 7?? A picture of your most treasured item.

Well ... what if I just gave you a great description?
......... OH MAN! I can't pick one. Perhaps my little yellow bird. Or my signed Relient k shirt. I don't know. I have a lot of great things. I used to really like this glass unicorn I had as a kid. That would have been it, but I'm all old and eighteen-y now.

If I said that it was my ring that every time I look at it makes me think of my loving parents, would you understand that I don't really treasure my posessions so much as the people they remind me of?

Blissfully~ Rachel

This morning

I got up at the crack-o-dawn
I went outside
Took off my shoes

And started dancing in the cold grass outside Honors. Soaring, tumbling, free-wheeling around, and laughing
overjoyed in spirit and overflowing with joy that just came out as giggles

Then I lay in the grass looking up at the new sky and drinking in the morning mist. I could see my breath.

I love the morningtime... so glad I went out to meet it today... what a blessing!!