Stronger

I feel that the title "Stronger" is ridiculously appropriate because

1. It's the title of Kelly Clarkson's new album which I am promoting wildly. Listening to it nonstop.
2. I am recovering from illness and getting "stronger" all the time.
3. I feel like, despite everything, I am overcoming obstacles and stress, and like Kelly sings, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I haven't been the smiliest turnip in the patch.I wanted to be productive, but as it happened the most productive thing to do was simply.... rest and recover. I think by resting I escaped a fever.

But. It hasn't been all hard knocks.
In fact I've had some great knocks!

I found this awesome cardigan, FLORAL PRINT!!!! I feel like it's a good investment because I CAN WEAR ANY OLD DUMB SHIRT under it and no one will know. So what I would have paid for in fall blouses I have SAVED in buying this thrift store floral cardigan. Also, it's super cozy and soft.
I feel like my fashion career is primarily making sure that I have items to wear that aren't falling apart.

The cardigan has become a badge of hope. Even in a week that is full of hard knocks, you can find something really wonderful. Usually much better than a cardigan. Like a hug from an old friend. Or unexpected kindnesses. Letting yourself have that donut, you look great.

Give yourself a break. =-)

A Sweet Resting Place

Is there a way to live constantly in the presence of God? is there such a person? Me and my friends all seem to forget and have to turn back to God, even though we always say we love Him so much.

I've been unemotional and distant. I've been rebellious. After a hard day of sincere prayer about things, I feel like I've received an answer. And the answer is, as it is always, "I love you, Rachel."

It's the end of a long, hard Tuesday, and I'm in tears, but not from stress. I'm the happiest kid in the wide world. I feel so loved. I feel very cherished. The people I love, love me back. The God whose approval I depend on, who I have been trying to please my whole life, has approved of me because of my Beloved High Priest.

Mercy. I sometimes have this vague idea of a figure who "died on a cross for my sin" and it ceases to mean anything, until I remember His character. It is only when I really am begging and pleading for Him to show me mercy that I see His greatest achievement and the most beautiful, supernatural quality - Mercy. It's not to spare me from suffering, but to look upon me and approve me.

Mercy. That I could incline my heart to petition without feeling ashamed or full of sin.

Perhaps it is an old song, but the Gospel really revolves around it. It is the anthem, the chorus of the march of life. The utter dependence of humanity on the grace of God.

I'm always amazed at how I can be sitting, doing nothing but praying, and the Spirit Himself comes to me and teaches me the position of humility, the only true way to the court of my Father.

We shall sing on that beautiful shore
The melodious songs of the blessed;
And our spirits shall sorrow no more,
Not a sigh for the blessing of rest.

- "In the Sweet by and by"

Jerks

People are strange. And not everyone is kind.

My TA frustrated me today by writing mean and unhelpful comments like "you can't write" and "read a newspaper" on my article draft. They were not constructive, especially considering the professor had told me earlier that I had a particular talent.
Who knows why she wrote that? She could have been having a terrible day, the possibilities are endless. (thank goodness we didn't get graded on our drafts!)

You know something? I didn't feel sad. Not even for one minute. I just felt sorry for my TA, because you know, I really believe in what I'm writing, and I'm only trying to be used for the glory of God. I'm doing the best that I can. In every area.

That being said, there are wicked people. Proverbs describes the "righteous man" and the "wicked." Very different.

I can be wicked, too. I can be a real jerk. Sometimes I surprise myself with how bad my motives are upon examination.

Speaking of examination, I found this particularly helpful. I tend toward self-righteousness and when I'm not overanalyzing, I'm underanalyzing.

Unrelated... I was reading Tozer's Pursuit of God, and I came across this passage, and it brought me to tears.

"When God spoke out of heaven to our Lord, self-centered men who heard it explained it by
natural causes: they said, “It thundered.” This habit of explaining the Voice by appeals to natural law is at the very root of modern science. In the living breathing cosmos there is a mysterious Something, too wonderful, too awful for any mind to understand.
The believing man does not claim to understand.
He falls to his knees and whispers, 'God.'" - Tozer, Pursuit of God

I still don't know why.

The redemption of youth

I am nineteen.
Previously, I was thirteen.

There have been notable alterations.

I don't think it's uncommon to look back and have a hard time finding good things about the person you used to be. You mostly look back and cringe. "I was so dumb."

But the thing about youth, and teenagehood, is the insane amount of passion and unshakeable faith you have in things. When you love things, you really love and hold on to them. I was able to give all of my love very easily to one thing at a time. I've said this before: we demonize and we idolize.

I haven't felt this youthful in a long time.

Today was magical. I find myself thinking that a lot as I drift off to sleep. My daydreams have turned into just remembering the wonderful things that happened that day and the sweet things to come.

Making things.

Okay!!

I really like making things.
I made this, too. from scratch. no stolen images. (but the idea is taken from a tutorial.)


I am going crazy. it's so much fun. but I gotta do my other homework, too.

Friendly

Dear friendlies, today something wonderful happened.

I was pulling in my driveway after dropping Maggie and Elise off at school, and suddenly, I saw the mailman, and I told him "thank you!"

He smiled and said, "You have a good day, now!" And it was so warm and encouraging that it filled me up like drinking hot cocoa.

Every once in a while I have that warm, fuzzy feeling, that the whole world has been trying to be kind all along and we just don't understand sometimes.

Well, even though it's not true, I still think people are kinder than we give them credit.

It all comes back to Christ. The Hope of nations. I have to remember not to just try to "be kind" but be "like Christ" and that means everything.

Nineteen / Loving Real Humans

I'm nineteen. My birthday was last Friday. My party was the next day.

I gave myself a haircut and dyed my hair auburn. Overall, it feels like a big change. Turning 19 feels like a legitimate renewal for me.

I've been spending less time pondering and thinking and more time applying what I think about. I haven't really spent a lot of time goofing off, either. Just trying to be excellent.

Today my hands just started cleaning and organizing on their own. I folded my clothes and couldn't stop once I'd started. It was kind of strange. I did dishes, too.

I guess it's because I know some incredibly responsible people that are 19. Or maybe I'm just growing up on my own. I actually considered starting to drink coffee... but I don't think I'm ready for that one yet.

Last year I was so stoked about the party that the BSM threw for me. It was so great. That was a good day. But man, last Saturday, that was absolutely magical. People were so kind to me. I really love my household, my friends, and my family...
Life just gets better and better.

One more thing.

People are hard to deal with. Even wonderful, talented, loving people. When the rubber meets the road, you have to work hard to be 'sane' about things. "If you think that you're right all of the time, that's a common misconception." - Antarctica

Love is about meeting each other halfway. It's not waiting for the other person (if they messed up) to come crawling back to you, or "winning" the fight, or proving a point.
I've experienced with everyone I've ever loved dearly the fleeting moments of annoyance, and I'm amazed when it happens because I thought so highly of them, I didn't think I'd ever be annoyed or think badly of them. Then one day I can't stand them!!! ARGGHHH!

Then later, I realize, they really are just humans. Humans that I adore and will always cherish, no matter how my surface emotions rage, there is always that undercurrent of sincere love. (This is the key to living with roommates.)

So maybe this is elementary. Yeah, but it needs to be said and lived. A lot of people live like they don't know this.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart. Love your neighbor as yourself. These are the two greatest commandments.

Chicken Soup / One Way

I'm sick.

Went to the store, promptly, to buy orange juice and chicken soup.
Survived the attempt. Mission, success.
Woke up at 4:16 this morning due to aforementioned sickness. Ugh.

Thank goodness I don't have any homework besides studying in general. Also, another happy thing, the quiz in class today was open notes, so it was a breeze.
So class is going well, I s'pose.

Elise wrote a new song. I like it, it has a part where the chorus is "there is one way, there is one truth, there is one life... the gate is wide, but it's a narrow path..."
The song overall is about Jesus being the way, and not just a good man. But the encouraging part for me is the notion of One Holy Catholic Church, that everyone who believes in the Apostle's Creed and who trusts in Jesus are all brothers and sisters, and that we all really essentially believe the same thing. We might be wrong about some things, but the important part is loving and obeying Christ and trying to follow the law, huh?

I guess I can't say what the "important" parts are. But for me, the most encouraging story in the Bible regarding doctrine and the "narrow way" is this one:

39 One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!”

40 But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? 41 We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”

42 Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”

43 Jesus answered him, “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.”

I don't EXACTLY know what will happen to me when I die. Different denominations say different things. But I want to go with that thief to join beautiful, sweet, kind, lovely, Holy, perfect Jesus.

Mmmmm, drinking my delicious chicken soup broth now. I hope I'm right as rain again soon.

Me in 2007

I looked up my old myspace. I was trying to find a picture I posted but ended up stumbling over my old blog. Goll-ey.

- "I'm the drummer for Rayconsense - which I will firmly argue for my band-mates is the best band ever. I'm usually a nice person - or I like to think so anyway."
- "I have never, never understood blogs. I write them anyway."
"He's inspired me to work harder at everything. I'd never ask for his admiration haha - just his respect - I know, it'll never happen, right? But I can't stop thinking, "if i just get a little better, if I just work a little harder..." -2008

"Can't stop smiling. Can't stop love. Can't stop believing, even if I wanted to, because after getting through all the crap and learning to stand on my own two feet, I've proved to myself that anyone can really get better." -2009

The Inside of Love

I was sitting in my Geology class when it hit me.

The textbook illustrations, the graphic displays of the geological processes - you need those visuals to understand how Planet Earth works, right?

Well, what if I made graphics like that to show how people work? Once I figure it out, that is.

But that's my science of choice, isn't it? People. I want to figure out people. I want to love well. I want to teach people how to love each other. Like any science, isn't it helpful to see what's going on?
I don't know. That just seems like the only way to blend all of my interests...

Hey, do something nice for yourself today. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're very special.